Donald Trump and Melania Knauss are pregnant

Donald Trump's spokeswoman has confirmed that Melania Knauss is pregnant with his fifth child.

Looks like Melania is more commited to getting Donald's money than I had given her credit for. I thought marrying the man would be the farthest she'd be willing to go, but to actually let him impregnate her is really going too far. I thought she would have just slipped him some pills during dinner and made it look like he had a heart attack during sex, but to actually have his child and wait for him to die naturally is mind blowing. Though with Britney Spears giving birth and the announcement of Donald Trump's offspring, I think we finally have an explanation for nature's sudden decision to try and destroy us all.

Angelina Jolie steals people

I'm no legal expert, but doesn't this make Angelina Jolie some sort of serial kidnapper? Yet she hasn't been subjected to the law, and why? Because she's a celebrity, that's why. She steals a person's child and another person's husband, and she gets called a humanist.
Equality under the law my ass.

Paris Hilton gets children hammered

Paris Hilton is at the centre of a Maryland police investigation after authorities learned that she allegedly offered some teenagers pot and bourbon to "loosen them up" before they appeared on a taped segment on The Simple Life: Interns. If the allegations are true, Paris could be looking at a hefty fine and possible jail time. Of course, a spokesperson for the FOX Network insists the story isn't true."Paris would never endanger the welfare of a minor."

See, that right there is a big fat lie. Paris Hilton is a constant threat to everyone's welfare, even minors. After all, the girl's like the Pepe Le Pew of venereal diseases. She walks down the streets, and suddenly all the flowers have died and all the children she's passed begin to feel a burning sensation when they pee. Though, to her credit, the whole incident may just have been one of those classic Pepe Le Pew misunderstandings. She probably just mistook the kids for Lindsay Lohan after they unknowingly sat on a bench freshly painted with whore.

Christina Aguilera is a liar

An obviously bitter and terrible-at-hiding-it Christina Aguilera is altogether far too "excited" about Britney's birth

"My assistant came in the room when it happened and she's like, 'Britney had a boy!' and I was like, 'Oh my gosh!' I don't know where I was for a while when she was pregnant but it really kicked in at that point. It's like, 'Wow, she had a baby! That's crazy!' I'm overjoyed and thrilled for her. It's such an exciting time in her life and I just wish her the best."

Um, okay there, Bitchy McBitch. Nobody's that happy about Britney's birth, not even Britney. After all, she brought a perfume into this world the day after birthing her son, and every good parent knows that you only have enough room in your heart to pick one of your children and love that one for the rest of your life. And let's face it, she's going to pick the one without Federline genes in it. Unless there's some secret ingredient in Britney's Fantasy that I should know about... and... kill myself over.

Huh. Who knew that Christina Aguilera would end up being the second grossest part of this blog? Not I. Not I.